Know Your VQ ("Voynich Quotient")

Sometimes it may seem that the world is full of psychometric tests: IQ, EQ, etc etc. But what the hey, there's obviously room for just one more: the VQ ("Voynich Quotient"), presented here.

Just as sports coaches assess the potential of junior athletes to be able to cope with years of soul-destroying, physical training, so too does the VQ assess whether you should (or perhaps should not) be a VMs researcher. It does this by rigorously mapping out your preconceptions in five different "dimensions".

STEP #1 in this rigorously scientific process is for you to go away and read the Wikipedia page on the Voynich Manuscript. This is really important, so please try to absorb as much unhelpful neutral-viewpoint kruft as you can in one sitting. Feel free to throw your hands up in despair any time after the first couple of paragraphs, that's a perfectly OK reaction.

You're back (and my goodness, weren't you quick?). Time for STEP #2: the five questions...

1. So, what is this "Voynich Manuscript", anyway?
A bizarre cipher manuscript, roughly 500 years old, discovered by bookseller Wilfrid Voynich in 1912, yada yada yada
A 20th century con, attempted by (errrrrrrm) ex-revolutionary & forger Wilfrid Voynich
A 17th century crypto prank, to poke fun at know-it-all smart-arse Athanasius Kircher
A 16th century hoax, to extract money from gullible/mad Holy Roman Emperor Rudolph II
An end-times warning from beyond the stars, telling us to watch more Star Trek and/or to Be Very Afraid

2. Who is the Voynich Manuscript important to?
Wannabe Dan Browns with a gigantic plot hole to fill in their incredible/unreadable new novel [*]
Popular science/history journalists with a 4-page article to submit by noon yesterday [*]
Balding blokes on the Internet who don't get invited out as much as they used to [*]
Bloggers who stumble across a link to Rene Zandbergen's amazing Voynich website [*]
Academics with a subconscious need to bring their glittering careers to an abrupt end [*]

      [*] No, of course I'm not referring to you. Why would you even think such a ridiculous thing? Tcha!

3. What does it say? What does it say? What does it say? What does it say?
Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. It's a hoax, remember? Pay attention, l4m3r!
It's a Cathar suicide manual, for when time-travelling novelists knock on your door during their research phase
"All your base are belong to us, Kircher."
"You are God's female dog. Why are you mad?" "Eye, be careful" etc etc
Something truly amazing, which sadly we can't read yet: maybe soon! (Yeah, right)

4. OK... but what do all those funny naked "nymphs" signify?
Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. They're all part of that con/prank/hoax I was telling you about. Like, duh.
Renaissance pr0n for those same balding blokes who don't get out much.
Plumbing, toilets, cisterns, valves... (Only kidding - who'd suggest such foolishness?)
Not a great deal: but they're more fun to look at than the boring old text, right?
Everything, seeing as it's an instruction manual for exotic dancers in Renaissance bath-houses

5. You're so clever: go on then, who wrote it? Eh? Eh? Eh?
Roger Bacon, for sure.
Someone who definitely wasn't Roger Bacon
Someone so brilliant they appear mad
Someone so mad they appear brilliant
"a madman, obsessed by sex"

6. Which famous detective would be most likely to solve it?
Scooby Doo (But not Scrappy Doo. Spare me!)
Nancy Drew (After "The Clue in the Crossword Cipher", who knows?)
Blue's Clues (We have plenty of clues, just no paw-prints)
Gil Grissom (He'd be good with the "bee" page, I guess)
Jim Reeds (As he's cracked just about every other historical cipher mystery going, *sigh*)

STEP #3: it's now time to calculate your VQ...


STEP #4: interpreting your VQ score...

0-89 Sorry, but you're just too darn sensible to be a proper Voynichologist. Don't give up the day job (like I did, d'oh!)
90-99 You have a certain amount of promise, but common sense keeps pulling you back. Perhaps you are an Aquarius, or a Democrat?
100-109 Hey, I like the way you think... but perhaps something quite bad happened to you when you were young. You'll fit in fine!
110-119 You're onto something big... stick with your research, you may well surprise everyone! (No, not like that: put it away!)
120-129 You're on something illegal... please try to reduce your dosage before it reduces your brain to pulp. PS: I think you're great!
130+ Look: I'm really not interested in your bratwurst collection, please stop emailing me pictures of it or I'll call the police. Again.

Enjoy! Happy Christmas 2007! --- Cheers, ....Nick Pelling....

PS: for those who suspect this may have no scientific basis, I warmly suggest they buy a copy of my book "The Curse of the Voynich" to see what happens when your VQ is plainly too low...

PPS: I also have a regularly-updated "Voynich News" blog you might like to snoop at. You never know... :-)